Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

If they made Dracula swallow a grenade would that kill him or is it still just a hard “only wooden stakes/the sun” rule

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.

Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”

Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”

[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?

I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.

It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.

Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!

oh good, now I can stop drinking

Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”

You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful

*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*

I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”

1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]