Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?

Wolfman: Silver bullets

Frankenstein: Fire

Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.

Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.

Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?

14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.

He’s been off for 17 days.

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.

It cost me an arm and a leg!

Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

Me: was your son fed?

Wife: yes.

Me: bathed?

Wife: yes.

Me: in bed on time?

Wife: yes.

Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?

Wife: his pajamas.

Me: what about them?

Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards

me: but that means change or rebirth, right?

tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you

in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone

me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.

6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.

Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

absolutely not

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

[in my bedroom]

Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*

Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?

Me: I just told you

You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.

A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey

Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.