Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?

If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.

“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”

“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”

“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here

A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house

War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

I think I accidentally became a nun:

✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?

Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

Me: Who’s a good boy?

Dog: I thought we settled this.

Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does

Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.

Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.

Me: I didn’t say he was interested

Fight fire with water. Idiots.

To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet

The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.

*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*

I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.

*buys everyone a drink*

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

A male goth is called a broth.

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.