“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
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You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer