“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
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Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more