Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

me and the Superbowl rn

Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)

ME: There are 18 sheep.

RANCHER: Round ‘em up!

ME: There are 20 sheep.

Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse

In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.

That’s amazing.

Like a good neighbor

State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.

My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”

guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?

co-worker with a ponytail: karate

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.

Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.

I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.

Hot Panini is in big trouble

Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

[my first exorcism]

Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *

Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf

Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.

Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh

If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.