Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice

[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

Body: ok sleepy time.

Brain: ok thinky time.

[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip

No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.

A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.

Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.

Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.

her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?

Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.

man: want a carrot?

horse: ok.

man: we’re friends now right.

horse: i guess.

man: great hey can you help me move.

Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”

no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I

ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!

AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time

One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..