Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier

Monday Lisa

I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.

Something Saturday.

the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.

Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?

yo LA chill out with your restaurant names

Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!

9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!

Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?

9: It matters for two minutes.

Him: I’m an dog person

Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?

like u make the diseases or are against them ?

Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction

me: where did that come from

Nobody:

Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family

The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.

Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading

Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.

Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.

I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.

[New printer]

Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*

Ink low, replace cartridges

Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.

I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand

I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations

Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.

Canadian up.

What do we want?
SNACKS!

When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!

– kids.

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.

British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY