Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
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I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*