Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
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*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.