Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
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[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Something Saturday.
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Pizza is an emotion right?
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog