@jasonmustian

Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.

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@BGH70

When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”

Less bleeding is good for not being dead.

@LackOfShame

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

@NYC_Blonde

Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR

@dafloydsta

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

@Kids_kubed

Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?

@Midgetspar

On a scale from 1 to 10 I tell people they’re an 11. It’s a fun way to let them know they don’t exist and they take it as a compliment.

@runolgarun

that fuzzy feeling when he puts his arm around u for the first time and then his other arm and then his other arm then u realize HE A SPIDER

@panmidwest

ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t

@Reverend_Scott

[1st day as police officer]

PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!

ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.

@Pandamoanimum

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.