Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
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Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
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