Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
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[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
shakira sharkira
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.