Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
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I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.