Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
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3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
this is literally a CIA plant
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you