Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
You Might Also Like
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Have you tried being born with a trust fund about it?
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Pleading insanity in small claims court
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy