Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”

#SixWordHorror

Hear me out…

A leaf blower, but for people.

What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?

For cardio I live beyond my means.

Me: [ Seizing the Day ]

Monday:

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.

My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal

4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.

them: it’s carl with a K

me: oh ok hi cark

I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now

He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.

#PayInHay
#Kerching

Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious

Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.