Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
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Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
S M O L
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.