Oh thanks BBC.
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Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
True story 🤣
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.