Oh thanks BBC.
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[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever