“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
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Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
new year update: losing everything but weight
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo