Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
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In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”