Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.

*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

cop: did anyone follow you here

jesus: no

cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.

When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man

420BLAZEIT: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.

the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”

◾️

“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”

Taxidermy is invented.

having children is a pyramid scheme.

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I’m dismayed…

I feel it

Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.

Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”