oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
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At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless