Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
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Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.