Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.

I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.

*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.

how it started vs how it ended

Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house

Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”

Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”

REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:

4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

Get in loser, we’re going overthinking

Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh

Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?

If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

Want proof advertising works?

I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend

It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN

1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE

2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT

3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN

My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension

How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.

Jfc.

Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.

MY CAT: me-ow

FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.

Only short people can save us