Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
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Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.