Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆

me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?

psychic: ok I’ll tell you

me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?

psychic: no I’m pretty confident

6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories

I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.

Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.

If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby

i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.

[Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.

After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

“The Perfect Relationship”

GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED

Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.

Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.

Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.

Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-

[10 minutes later]

Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.

Spent the entire day milking a single almond.