Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
You Might Also Like
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
The name Ella is short for Mozzarella
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
For those that worship cheese..
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through