Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
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What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
A family that plays together cheats.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”