Oh the world we live in…
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“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
🇺🇸🤭
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Super Hand Dog Face
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!