Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time

Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.

Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”

Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.

Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.

Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.

Man, I wish they still made sticks.

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

shampoo implies shampee

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan

11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.

Me: *ransacks house looking*

*digs in garbage*

*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*

*forms 15 person search party*

*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*

11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny

I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.

Were they really expecting gold or something?

[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that

[date]

her: so tell me about y-

me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND

“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk

Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?

Wife: our daughter just said shit.

Me: oh no! what do we do?

Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.

Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal

Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?

Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*

Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child