‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
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How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show
8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency