Oh this? You’re right, it’s a salami. I keep deli meat in this pocket and a banana in the other. I am happy to see you though.
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Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
The smoke detector went off because the battery was low and I thought it was because the frozen pizza was done.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.