Oh this? You’re right, it’s a salami. I keep deli meat in this pocket and a banana in the other. I am happy to see you though.
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I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Icarus loved hot wings.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
