Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”

Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber

I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.

Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.

more water

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.

Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.

I would guard your potatoes so hard.

Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd

Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.

My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left

Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.

“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.

A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:

“Bit windy”

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.

They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now

Person: It’s not rocket science.

Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.

[at restaurant]

Table for two please.

“Do you have reservations?”

Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

Succinctly put.

Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.

COP: Quick, stun him!

ME: *performs perfect somersault*

[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t