Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.

Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.

FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!

ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on

I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate

When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.

Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled

Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

*husband and I arguing*

Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!

If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”

Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

IT guy: How much Internet do you need?

My folks: 10,000

Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food