Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever

Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.

Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

#SaturdayBears

Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES

me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!

me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!

shazam but for random noises outside

Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.

Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line

I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

Rare photo of two submarines racing

(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)

women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close

Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person

Friend: really?

Me: well apparently not

“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.

A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!

Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”

Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming

“But dad we’re goldfish”

Oh yeah, I forgot

“Forgot what?”

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.

Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?

Cooking instructor: No.

This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available