Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.

Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.

People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:

“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“

“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.

they should invent a rest for the wicked

“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”

[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

I was just discussing this with my cat

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”

A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children

[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?

My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”

[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*

Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it

*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking

It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.

ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.

become ungovernable

Shark week, but for squirrels.

It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class

me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me

Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant