Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

Are all the non essential oils out of work now?

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

*finds another dead plant on patio*

[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!

Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”

Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.

Anyway he’s dead now.

MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.

It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.

listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,

WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18

“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”

WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again

I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*

Someone stole my car.

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?

Bars, they’re called bars

The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.