Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight

[deserted island]

friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable

me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*

Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT

Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE

Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it

So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.

“can you explain this gap in your employment history”

yah i was a toddler

oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.

“This is from the both of us”

– my parents giving me mental illness

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.

[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good

Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*

Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed

I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.

ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?

DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.

[first day as a chiropractor]

assistant: all your patients are complaining

me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it

assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?

Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner

I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.

Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!

Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.

#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas

Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are