Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?

ME: Not murdering.

ATTORNEY: But where were you?

ME: {sweating} The not murder store.

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.

4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?

Me:

4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.

Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

I met a microbiologist today…

He was a lot bigger than I expected.

“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually

dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler

Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

Aw cool firepit!

Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

I think my husband is beginning to suspect