Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace

Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.

Friend: Including you?

Me: Actually, scratch that idea.

I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

Ooh I do like a good funnel

me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!

Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉

[gets bit by spider]

[I don’t get powers]

[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]

If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart

if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

*weighs self*

“Shit”

*takes clothes off*

“GODDAMMIT”

*takes tampon out*

friend: thanks for all ur help

me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it

The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]

GOD: a rat dog

ANGEL: check

GOD: that whispers to white people

ANGEL: what?

GOD: about the weather

ANGEL:

Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

*first day as crime scene investigator*

*Removes sheet covering victim*

*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*

*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.