Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:

1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come

That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.

My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.

Me: …. What?

5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.

Me: …..

Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.

My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything

My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark

if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton

I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.

I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out

Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.

oh u like geography? name every lake

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”

Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand

Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”

You know. Like a book.

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore

Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.

I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!

ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words