oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
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“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Oops
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins