@twentyfivebag

oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head

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@mishakey

Nothing terrifies me more than hearing, “Mommy close your eyes I have a present.”

@mortimermaiden

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

@sucittaM

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.

@TheAndrewNadeau

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

@heroinsdemise

What many don’t know,
“Riverdance” was invented while waiting in line at the ladies toilet.

@belleykell

Motherhood means never questioning why you found a Stormtrooper in the toilet just now

@ChaseMit

Just found out Fox News’s website has a Science section, which I assume links to a video of Sean Hannity screaming at a biology textbook.