oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
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WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020