oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head

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A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.


[getting pulled over]

ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?

MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me


I read that burglars use Twitter & Facebook to see when people arent home. So from now on, Im at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.


Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working


I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.


bae: come over

me: I can’t I’m in 16th century Japan

bae: im home alone



Can’t. The kids just remembered we have a blender and this kitchen ceiling isn’t going to clean itself.


me: make me irresistible to all women

genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha

me: *raises hind leg over lamp*

genie: wait no stop


Me on the Phone: I’m going to “work” from home today.
My Boss: I heard those air quotes.