Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

[me as a knight]

Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?

Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm

Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time

What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.

I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.

Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?

If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.

If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.

cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?

He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.

[whale watching]

whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again