Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”

My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.

My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.

I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Oh my god, it is!

Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.

Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.

Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin

[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]

Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?

” I made my famous dip for the office party”

You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.

“But he wasn’t a chef”

Exactly

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.

Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY

Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?

Just me?

I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.

Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.

Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.

me:

british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”

Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”