Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
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Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
The best plant holders?
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”