Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
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THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow