Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
You Might Also Like
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time