Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

This billboard speaks to me

I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now

~ toddlers

my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’

Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

Me: *in the dentist chair*

Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.

Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip

Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time

“Right, whose round is it?”

Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job

Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you

Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.

“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment

[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.

Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.

Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?

HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN

When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.

Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.

Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat

A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with

HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?

ME: You bet I did.

keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime