Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.

sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins

guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.

Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes

Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?

-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok

[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then

Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

alfred: you have lung cancer

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman:

alfred:

batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir, no

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.

I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning

the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy

You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?

WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim

WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job

Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.

I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.

I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices