oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
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Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
hmmm
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.