Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:

“So do we have super glue?”

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool

bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening

*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.

Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups

Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.

If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.

Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff

Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids

Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.

Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?

Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.

This is a bad idea on so many levels.

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.

Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box