oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
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I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
thanksgiving in nutshell
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.