oh u like geography? name every lake
You Might Also Like
weaknesses
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Everyone’s family
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes