oh u like history? name everything that happened
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[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
buying dead houseplants to save time
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.