oh u like history? name everything that happened
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Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
No laws when master is gone
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale
Pretty good – Not good
Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks
It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going
Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life
Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.