oh u like history? name everything that happened
You Might Also Like
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway