oh u like history? name everything that happened
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There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma