oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
You Might Also Like
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
When I hear the noises of the house settling, I wonder what kind of owner it really wanted.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.