oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
You Might Also Like
76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
The honesty is refreshing
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
*in court
😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!
😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
my dad would read teen books as they were becoming popular so if we asked to read them he knew if they were appropriate, which means that he read the entire twilight saga before i did and was like, “i mean you can read it if you want but it’s really weird.”
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.