oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
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After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
I am thick and tired. 🙄
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
#JohnTravolta
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal