oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
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I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.