oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
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The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
thinking about a very short hotdog
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
This is my brand.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”