Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
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do what now??
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “