Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
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Before crowbars crows drank alone
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
When you said “let’s circle back to that in the new year” and now it’s the new year.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.