Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
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We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.