Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: It’s a surprise!

Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?

“You want me to do what?!”🤣

Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.

The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known

pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly

If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?

“OMGJK” -atheists

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.

Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]

Him: How did you get in my house?

I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.

Ugh. My bed is infested with children.

You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.

No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something