Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
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There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I think I’m gonna be sick
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
