Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.

Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?

If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.

*Mr. Miagi on Twitter

Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious

”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice

Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance

It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.

😼🖥️

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

Oddly specific

LOL at people with only 99 problems

What’s that like?

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.

me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse

wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal

[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]

vending machine: i have a boyfriend

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.

I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.

when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.

when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings

the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined

I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs

Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.