Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?

Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.

*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.

Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.

Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.

😂

broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex

woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere

HER: I love how we always finish each other’s

HIM:

HER:

HIM:

HER: Marriages

You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.

The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.

The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅

You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.

Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.

My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father

Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.

Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.

I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.

There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.