“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
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Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.