“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
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What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.