Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.

Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.

Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.

Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.

Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?

Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”

What a random, consistent, coincidence

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.

“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”

“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.

If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer

BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise

Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not

Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak