Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.

a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.

*shrugs off responsibility*

weigh me now

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.

Hello consequences, my actions went that way.

Do hairy people get bed head all over?

Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet

Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep

[APARTMENT KITCHEN]

GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent

[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]

RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die

RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!

I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE

Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

Who else does this 🤦🏽😂

Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.

Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.